Grounded
by sheppardlover928
Summary: John is permanently grounded. How will he handle the situation.


Summary: John is grounded permanently...how will he handle the situation

GROUNDED

Colonel Carter sighed as the communication with Earth ended. The task set before her not on her top ten list, grimly, she thought it wouldn't be on her top 1001 list. It's not like she hadn't thought of her orders herself, especially after the last mission and she had to admit, it did make sense...but her second in command was NOTgoing to be happy...to say the least.

She took a deep breath, squaring her shoulders, better to just get this said and done..and steel herself for the worst. Her hand hesitated at her ear before forging ahead and pressing the ear com.

"Colonel Sheppard, will you meet me in my office as soon as possible."

The response was immediate. "What's up, Colonel? I'm on the east pier

grounding station with Rodney. It will take me about ten minutes to get there, is that alright?"

"Yes, Colonel...see you then."

"Hmm...that was Carter, she sounded kind of uptight." John had a perplexed look on his face.

Rodney looked up at him as he was kneeling, hands filled with control crystals. "What did you do?"

John looked down and frowned. "I didn't do anything, Rodney! I've been with you all morning...wait..what time is it?...Did I miss a meeting?" He mentally went over what he'd planned for the day and was sure he hadn't skipped out on any meeting or commitment.

"Wasn't the SGC dialing in today for an update? Was Sam expecting you there for that?"

"Nah...we went over the communicae yesterday afternoon...there was nothing she needed me there for, and that's why I am here with you."

"Well, this grounding station needed updating. In fact, it's long overdue. Don't want it failing during the next devastating hurricane. And I need your magic fingers to reinitialize the protocol when I'm done, which happens to be now!"

Rodney stood, wiping his hands on his pants. 'Do your thing, Colonel."

John smirked and placed his hand on the control button. He smiled as the station lit up and re-integrated with Atlantis's main system. That—-never got old, and he was always amazed that his simple touches and thoughts woke the Ancient tech.

"Well, I better get back. You okay to clean up here or do you want me to wait for you?"

Rodney was already putting the swapped out crystals in a bag.

"Go...you're not hoping I'll go with you for moral support or anything, are you?"

John put his hands on his hips and smirked. "I'm a big boy, Rodney. I just can't figure out what might be up. Its not like Sam to be uptight, but then again the IOA might be giving her some kind of trouble. Best go find out what gives. See you in the mess hall for lunch."

He grabbed the crutches that had been resting on the console as Rodney nodded and shooed him away. Rodney watched him limp away, grateful that his friend was finally mobile, as it were.

Ten minutes later, John was knocking on his CO's door.

"Come in, Colonel and shut the door please."

Oh boy, she doesn't look happy, John thought as he reached for the door and closed it behind him. Not sure how to react, he stood at attention the best he could with crutches supporting him.

Sam avoided his eyes. "Please, sit John."

Her not looking at him wasn't lost on him and he bit his lower lip as he shuffled over to the chair and sat, laying his crutches on the floor beside him. Once settled, he sat up straight waiting for whatever had Sam rattled...and yeah, she was...he could tell. Having worked with her closely the last several months, he had gotten to know her pretty well.

"Colonel...John... I, ah...just finished speaking to General Landry. I'm afraid I have orders that you may not agree with, but regardless, I need you to hear me out". She looked him in the eyes then and a feeling of dread shot through him like liquid fire.

"The IOA has mandated that as an important resource for the survival and functionality of the city of Atlantis, you, having the strongest ATA gene recorded to date, ...that you will no longer be permitted to gate off-world on missions, except back to Earth when needed."

He sat dumb-founded. Sam waited for the eruption, the silence was not what she had expected and she was almost relieved when he blew.

'What! I'm just a "resource" now! THEY will not "permit" me! Dial up the gate and let me speak to the General! "

"John, General Landry is in agreement with this decision and quite frankly, I've thought about this for some time too...this last mission, we almost lost you..in fact...we DID lose you! If Dr Keller hadn't been on that jumper when you and your team were rescued, I am certain you would not have made it..as it was, you coded two times before you stabilized enough for them to get you back here."

"Thats part of the job, Colonel...part of MY job. You know that better than anyone!"

Colonel Carter sat up straight. She did know, better than anyone, but no matter what, she had her orders and no amount of arguing would change

that. She knew how John felt about going off-world but losing him would be detrimental to the expedition., and for many more reasons other than his gene.

"Well, it isn't part of YOUR job anymore...it's an order, Colonel and I expect you to follow it.

John quieted, though his heart rate and blood-pressure continued to rise. His jaw twitching the only sign of the turmoil raking through him. He stood abruptly, at attention.

"Permission to leave, ma'am."

Sam felt awful. Already regretting how she just delivered and handled herself. John deserved more and she had failed miserably. She met her second's eyes and knew no matter what she said now would matter.

"Permission granted."

It seemed he couldn't get away fast enough, though the cast on his leg impeded his progress, making his getaway awkward.

Sam hurried to grab his crutches and called out to him.

"Colonel...wait."

His shoulders stiffened as he came to a halt halfway over the walkway to the control room. She held out the crutches.

"I'm sorry, John." She hoped he could see her apology was genuine. His eyes met hers briefly, the anger visible.

"Keep 'em...doesn't look like I NEED them...I'm not going anywhere." His voice loud enough and angry enough to draw attention from the staff on duty.

He turned and literally stomped away.

Lunchtime came and went, as well as unanswered hails to their missing teammate. Teyla was concerned and Rodney was perturbed. Ronon was content to wait, figuring whatever had John missing, was his own business and he'd come around when he was ready.

Thing was, they had all heard about what happened outside the Colonel's office and how angry John was. And now, Jennifer was on the warpath after having learned a certain Colonel was not using the prescribed crutches. This was not a good day to be Lt .Colonel John Sheppard apparently.

Since John wasn't making himself available the next best person to talk to was Sam. Rodney decided to head to her office to see if she would enlighten him on what kind of trouble John was in.

He rapped on the door, seeing her concentrated on whatever she was working on on her computer, though he thought she looked rather distracted.

"Knock, knock."

She was slow to look up and her shoulders visible dropped.

"Rodney...please, not now. I need to get this report done ASAP...and

Impatient as he was, he interrupted. "Whats going on? Rumor has it that you and John had it out, and now he's not responding to any of our calls. I know he was concerned when he left to meet you, but..."

"But...this...is something I think John needs to come to terms with... I'm sure he will let you know, when he's ready."

"But..."

Sam softened her voice, figuring maybe John was ready to talk to someone by now, albeit one Dr Rodney McKay...not her first choice, but she had been perplexed and pleased to see the positive influence John's friendship had made to Rodney's abrasive personality.

"Find John, talk to him."

It sounded more like a plea, like Sam was genuinely concerned for John. Maybe that was a good thing, right...it meant he wasn't in trouble or anything. Rodney wanted more but knew pressing Sam was not going to work. He turned to leave.

"Rodney, when you find him, give him these." She held up the crutches. "I don't think Jennifer knows he's walking around without them."

Rodney grimaced. "Uh...yes she does and is not happy."

John sat with his head resting again the strut he leaned agqinst. His leg was hurting, bad..but he was not ready to go back, knowing by now, Keller most likely knew he'd been walking without the crutches. Unfortunately, he had passed by one of the nurses on his rather hurried (and awkward) rush to get away from civilization. His glare had stopped any admonishment that she was about to make, but undoubtedly she had double-timed it to tattle on him to Keller when he was out of sight. He had turned off his ear com after the fifth hail from everyone trying to find him. Ignorance was bliss.

He was still pissed, but he was tired and hungry and just stubborn enough not to care about what kind of damage he'd done to his leg by walking on it. Damn, but it hurt. Hah, Keller was the least of his problems...at the moment. Guess she could ground him...but wait, he was ALREADY grounded—it wouldn't matter how long she'd grounded him for now anyway.

He'd go crazy not going off-world. He loved Atlantis, but going exploring had become a huge part of what he loved too. He wasn't a "sit-behind-the-desk" kind of leader. He needed his troops to see he was willing to take on anything he asked of them. That was how he had earned their respect. Going on missions was exciting and new and made him feel alive, gave him the edge he needed to be the kind of leader he wanted to be. Having always been active and involved his whole life, he just couldn't imagine being stuck, basically behind a desk, shuffling papers...sending troops out on missions that he himself wasn't "permitted" to go on...what kind of message did that send, huh?!

He sat, trying to let his hackles settle. In the distant, he heard the door open and footsteps heading his way. His teeth clenched at the intrusion about to happen. God help whoever was about to dare approach.

"Well...at least you're still alive! You could have at least let us know you were okay! Uh...you are, aren't you? How's your leg?"

"Rodney, while I appreciate your concern, I really want to be alone right now."

The tone of his friend's voice held warning, but that didn't stop Dr Rodney McKay...not ever, especially from one Lt Colonel John Sheppard. It was more a. challenge. Not wanting to add fuel to the obviously simmering fire, he decided to go the "concerned friend" route...which he was, of course.

"John, what's got you so hot and bothered? You can talk to me, you know, right?"

John was ready to blow, but instead took a deep breath. Rodney was here as a friend, it wouldn't be fair to take his frustration and anger out on him. It wasn't his fault.

'Looks like you guys will be needing a new team leader."

Rodney wasn't sure what the hell John was saying. Had he quit? Was he being sent back to Earth? What happened?

"What are you talking about?! What happened when you spoke to Sam? She was pretty upset too...what's going on?

"I'm grounded...for good. Seems I'm too much of a, how did they put it..."a resource" to be going off on missions."

"Oh wow...I didn't see that coming...but considering what I was thinking, it's not so bad..."

"McKay...'

"ooh, uh..no, no, no...I was thinking you quit for some God awful reason or were being transferred back to Earth...What did Sam say? Is she going to fight for you to continue going on missions?"

"Nope...she agrees with them."

"Really?! Uh...Who is "them"?

"The IOA, General Landry, and whatever other powers-that-be that have a say."

".What about General O'Neill...surely he would be on your side?"

Sam hadn't mentioned Jack as a supporter of this order, but then he really hadn't given her time to do more than give him the order before he stormed out.

"Hmm, maybe...think I kind of blew any credibility I have with Sam though." He winced.

Rodney re-iterated that he felt that Sam was feeling pretty awful and suggested that maybe talking to her again, minus the attitude, might help.

John took a deep breath to calm himself, releasing it slowly, like Teyla had taught him to do.

'Yeah, maybe." Trying to get up was next to impossible and after struggling by himself and not getting anywhere, he took Rodney's offered help to get upright. His leg was on fire and he knew he couldn't put any weight on it.

"I think you're not the only one pretty angry right now". John knew exactly who Rodney was talking about.

"Guess it would go a long way if I showed up at the infirmary before she blows a gasket."

"That ship has sailed Sheppard, but, yeah, maybe it might make one or two brownie points. Come on, lean on me..I've got your crutches right inside the door."

—-

Rodney followed behind John as he entered the infirmary. Jennifer just happened to be walking toward the door and immediately went into doctor mode, about to dress down her infuriating patient when Rodney caught her eye and shook his head to not do so.

She huffed and then deflated. The Colonel was pale and despite his high pain threshold and stoic nature, she could tell he was in need of some pretty heavy duty pain meds.

"Lets get you under the scanner and see what damage you've done, then we'll get you settled in scrubs...you're going to be my guest for the foreseeable future Colonel."

Spent, physically and emotionally, John could only nod before he passed out. Luckily both Jennifer and Rodney were close enough to break his fall.

—-

Jennifer sat in Colonel Carters office, giving her report.

"Colonel Sheppard added a stress fracture and shin splints to his injured left leg and now has shin splints and muscle strain to his right. His blood pressure is up higher than it should be, even after the pain meds should have kicked in. He is physically and I dare say, emotionally, drained right now. I'm ordering complete bed rest, no visitors for at least 24 hours...As his doctor, may I ask what has him so obviously distraught?"

Sam knew it was imperative that the doctor know, so explained what had set her patient off.

"Well, knowing our fair Colonel...that news is definitely like a punishment. In all honesty, I've often felt he has had more than his fair share of injuries from off-world missions. After this last one, well, we are very lucky he is still with us...". She shuddered at the injuries she'd had to deal with this time.

Sam agreed. 'That he has, and this last mission, I believe was the catalyst for this order. Actually, I'm amazed this order didn't come down sooner. Colonel Sheppard seems to save the hardest, most dangerous missions for his own team, but then it seems trouble follows them as even presumably safe missions have gone fubar.

'Well, the Pegasus worlds do seem to hold a lot of unexpected and dangerous situations. According to Carson, the statistics for mission injuries is about twenty percent higher here than in the Milky Way."

"John was a lot quieter than I thought he'd be when I told him the order...it was kind of disconcerting...I mean I expected him to blow—big time—but then I guess I didn't give him a chance..."

"Colonel...John respects you immensely..that's obvious. I'm sure he knows you fought for him..."

"Thats just it, I didn't support him...after his last mission..."

Jennifer was surprised but understood. How many times had they almost lost him. How many had been lost, how many more would they lose...if John were lost, the city would just not have a chance. The ATA gene was rare, especially one as strong as John Sheppard's. Carson had been the next strongest expression...but he was gone and God Bless the new Carson Beckett, but apparently the ATA wasn't 'clonable'.. With only 20 percent of their staff having the ATA gene naturally and another 15 percent with synthesized gene, none were even close the strength of what John possessed.

"I'm not sure how John will handle watching teams go out without him, especially if Rodney, Teyla and Ronon form a new team.

Sam sighed, "I need to talk to him again...I'm afraid I didn't exactly handle it like I should have.."

"I gave him a sedative to help him sleep, plus the pain meds, he'll be out for the next 8 hours at least." Jennifer lifted her eyebrows " He'll be a captive audience, maybe that's the best time to visit?"

Sam smirked. " yeah... give me a shout when he's awake and alert, okay?"

Jennifer didn't envy the leader as she stood to leave. "I will."

—

John woke feeling rested and not in pain...thank you pain meds. Not wanting to alert anyone that he was awake yet, he lay contemplating the situation he was in, with his eyes closed. Is that really all they wanted him for? Was he just a "resource"? Hadn't he proven himself as a leader and commander—he surely thought he had—now he was being reduced to the equivalent of a light switch!

(Come on John...you know the only reason you were even asked to join the expedition was as a light switch and you were fine with that before)

Never had he expected to be anything much more than that—though he was going to make winning Colonel Sumner over a priority..but unfortunately never got to do that, but instead was thrust to the second top job when he literally had had to kill his superior on the very first day, the very first mission. He knew the higher ups never figured on who would be in charge should the Colonel be lost, that had to have been a major oversight...with a black mark, he certainly wouldn't have been on the long list let alone the short list. It was just coincidence he was next senior officer. With resentment, he concluded that they were just biding their time til he screwed up. Guess that time had finally come...

He sensed a presence before he felt the slight tug of his IV line. He slowly opened his eyes to see Jennifer injecting something into his line.

"Morning, Doc...or is it afternoon?"

Jennifer smiled. "It's almost lunchtime...how are you feeling?"

Rubbing the sleepers from his eyes, he yawned and shrugged. "I'm fine...and I need to apologize for undoing any of you're hard work..."

She put on a stern face. "I don't think you need to hear the lecture—again...and frankly, I'm tired of giving it. You've set yourself back another 4 weeks, Colonel. Add stress fractures to your injured leg and shin splints to both."

"Oh wow...I never...'

"No, no..you never do... Jennifer sighed and her face softened. "I'm sorry,...I know the reason why you did it. I understand how you must feel, but you need to take care of yourself...that (pointing at his leg cast) was never meant to be a walking cast."

John wasn't in the mood to fight with the Doc, he just wanted to get out of here to do his sulking in private, so he put on his famous puppy dog eyes.

"I'm sorry, Doc...really...so, uh..when can I get out of here?"

Jennifer chuckled lightly, that look got her every time, but she wouldn't be put off, not this time. "You've earned a two, maybe three day stay. There will be absolutely no weight bearing on either leg for another 24 hours—then we'll see where you are."

"But..."

"No buts, Colonel. Get some more rest. I'll order you some lunch." Before he could say any more, she made a quick retreat.

Fifteen minutes later, He saw Colonel Carter enter the infirmary, looking his way. Oh, he was so not up for this. He tried to sit up straighter as she approach.

'Colonel, how are you feeling?"

"Colonel Carter. I'm fine...how about you?" His answer was short, curt and with the use of her title, Sam knew he was still angry. She needed him to understand the logic for the order given. Only then would he come to terms with it, though she doubted he ever would.

"Listen, John...we need to talk about this."

"Whats there to talk about? I've been given orders and since I don't need another black mark on my record, I have no other choice but to follow it." He was barely containing his anger.

"It's more than that John...you need to acknowledge why this decision was made...and why I support it." Sam winced as she said the last. "We almost lost you this last time and it's made everyone re-evaluate what that would mean. And you know it's not just because of this mission—your medical file is pretty thick with serious and life-threatening injuries. Frankly, it's a miracle this order hasn't come down way before now."

She tried to read what he was thinking, not sure whether he was ready to see reason, but she had to try. He was a damned good officer and soldier and she greatly respected the way he commanded and treated those soldiers under him. He had an ingrained way of looking at a situation and finding solutions with minimal loss and she didn't want to lose that.

"I know you feel this is a punishment, but it is far, far from it...Look John, you're command is not in jeopardy and it's true, you are a resource—a resource we can hardly afford to lose. Your strong ATA gene might be why you were asked to join the expedition and its true we need that—no one else can do half the things you can. Atlantis could never reach its full potential without you."

She continued on, glad that it looked like he was listening.

"This decision was based primarily on that, but also because of your exemplary military skills as you've proven by your command. It seems you've impressed quite a lot of senior staff who have read your mission reports and your out-of-the-box way of problem solving."

'That's why I need to be out there Sam! I can't keep my edge, sitting behind a desk all day! I need to be out there showing the men I'll do the same things I ask them to do every day."

Sam knew her second was not going to take the point easily.

"John, do you think less of General Landry or General O'Neill because they don't go out into the field anymore?"

"Of course not—they both were excellent field officers"

"Exactky...and your men will not think less of you either. They know you know what they are dealing with and they trust you. Bottom line, John...and not to give you a big head...(she smiles). But you are too vital and valuable to the success of the expedition to lose you off-world—-YOU can make this work John. 'WE' will make this work. At least, try...?"

John looked at her for a long time, weighing his options, which he concluded totaled a whopping count of two. One: Opt out, retire and hopefully sign on as a civilian contractor (which would suck cause he'd been military all his adult life) or Two: stay, bite it and try to make it work.

"Okay, I'll try."

"Good!" Sam squeezed his shoulder for reassurance. "It'll be alright John. Get some rest. We need you well, Colonel."

John gave her a half-hearted smile. He wasn't a quitter. He'd give this his best shot..

—-

Three months later:

Teams went out without him all the time before, so why did it bother him so much now, and it was increasingly getting harder and harder. Funny how at the beginning, it wasn't as bad—he had expected the first couple of weeks to be the worst then tapering off to acceptance. But instead, he found it harder to watch team after team step through the gate, as time went on. Injuries sustained had him pouring over reports for endless hours as he tried to find how he had failed those men. He felt anxious when teams were out, scheduling only one or two teams per day to go off-world, sending more than that was just not right.

John sat, chewing on a nail while staring at the gate, willing it to engage and spit out the overdue team. He had moved his office to a room with a view on level with the gate. Five more minutes passed, which had him pacing the floor. Protocol required a leeway of a half hour for an away team to check in. John was seriously considering a no more than five minute leeway to be protocol after today.

His heart was beating fast and sweat broke out on his forehead as he made his way up to the control room, taking the stairs two at a time.

"Dial up the gate to M15-245, Chuck."

"Yes sir". Chuck was in the process when the gate activated itself. "Incoming wormhole, Colonel." He paused as he listened for the IDC. " IDC confirms it's Lieutenant Spencer, sir"

"Open a channel"

"Lieutenant, mind telling me why you're late checking in?" He knew his tone was bordering on angry, but he didn't care.

"Sorry sir, but technically we have...uh, three minutes left...we were helping

John's temper got the best of him as he interrupted. "Lieutenant! I don't care if you had THREE minutes LEFT! You're LATE!

"Sorry, sir...we were helping repair some roofing on some homes after a freak storm blew through here yesterday. We have a few more to do, permission to stay and help with that? It should take a few more hours."

"Permission denied!" John growled. "Get your asses back here now! Debrief in a hour."

No one moved in the control room and there was dead silence, everyone shocked by their CO's outburst and denial of humanitarian efforts, which he had always advocated as a priority.

When he noticed everyone staring at him, his rage increased ten-fold.

"What are you looking at! Get back to work!" With that he stormed down the steps, practically running to his office and mentally locked the door. He barely made it to his chair behind the desk before his legs gave out. He held up his hands and watched both of them shake uncontrollably. A pain was erupting in his gut again and he opened the desk drawer that held his bottle of antacids. Damn! He had only three left, he could have sworn this was a new bottle that he had just opened yesterday.

—

Lieutenant Spencer's team sat in the conference room waiting for their CO. They were not looking forward to this debrief. The Colonel had been uncharacteristically short and bad-tempered so they were in no hurry, but the Colonel was forty minutes late and when Spencer tried to hail him, there was no answer. Not sure what to do, he hailed Colonel Carter.

"Sorry to bother you ma'am. My team and I are in the conference room, we were due for a debrief with Colonel Sheppard over forty minutes ago and we can't get ahold of him. I wasn't certain what to do."

"Colonel Sheppard never showed?"

"No, ma'am."

"Alright, Lieutenant. I'll have Colonel Sheppard reschedule your debrief. You and your team are dismissed."

With that, Sam was concerned as it wasn't like John to miss a debrief, though lately he seemed distracted and now that she thought about it, he wasn't looking well. When she asked him about how he was doing, he'd always said he was fine but she could see the vacancy in his eyes as he said so. She knew this was a period of adjustment for him, so figured she'd give him some time.

"Colonel Carter to Colonel Sheppard, please respond."

After several attempts, Sam hailed Rodney. "Rodney, I need you to track Colonel Sheppard's location. He is not responding to my hails."

"Whats wrong Sam? "

"I'm not sure, Rodney. That's why I asked you to track his location."

"Hold on." Rodney brought up the city schematics and initiated the tracking program for the missing Colonel.

"Sam, he's in his office...and his heart rate is real low. I think he's in trouble!"

Sam frowned, how would Rodney know that? She would have to ask him about that but heeded the panic in his voice. "We need a med team to Colonel Sheppard's office STAT!" Sam rushed out of her office, glad that recently John had relocated his office closer to hers.

One hurried knock and no response had her turning around to see the med team including Dr Beckett running down the ramp to the gate room.

"Doctor, you need to use your medical override...the door won't open and John is not responding.

"Aye...it will only take a second."

The door opened and at first it looked like the room was empty. Doctor Beckett rushed in and found John on his side , unconscious. The waste basket reeked of vomit and a quick look revealed there was a fair amount of blood amongst the detritus.

'Okay, laddie...we're gonna help ya now." Over his shoulder he started issuing instructions, all the while as he took vitals and started an IV drip of saline. Once done, he shifted out of the way for his team to transfer John onto the waiting gurney.

Carson tapped his ear com. "Maria, dear...set up the OR for an emergency surgery, suspecting the problem was a bleeding ulcer.. Type and screen for three units and ask Dr Keller to scrub in as well. We'll be there in five minutes." He looked up at Sam.

"I heard...go..take care of him."

Carson nodded his head and followed the gurney as it quickly was carried away by his team.

—-

In the waiting room, Rodney sat with Teyla at his side. Ronon leaned against the wall next to her and Sam sat across from them all.

'How did he get so bad, why didn't I see it?" Rodney asked, more to himself than to the group. "I know I've been really busy in the lab since not going on missions anymore." (He had opted out of joining a new team because, well, it wouldn't have been with John.)

"Rodney, it is not your fault. All of us are to blame. I myself have been more negligent of spending time with John as Torren has been teething and I have been busy taking care of him." Teyla felt guilty as she admitted that she had neglected her friend, knowing he was having a difficult time dealing with being grounded.

Ronon spoke up then. " I should have made more time with John. I joined Major Lorne's team at John's request. We've been going on a majority of the missions, I think because John trusts me to make sure we all come back alive."

"Okay you guys, since we all seem to think we've failed John. I knew John was having a difficult time with being grounded. I noticed the signs of lack of sleep but he hides his emotions so well, it hasn't been until the last week that he's showed any signs of stress. I thought he just needed time. " Sam winced at the thought that she had brought all this crashing down.

"What's going to happen? He could have died in his office and none of us would have known til it was too late...it was almost too late, and we still don't know how he's doing?!" Rodney stood up abruptly and started pacing.

"Carson will mend John and we will be here for him as he heals. We will help him through this." Teyla assured.

"Well, we haven't done such a bang up job of being there for him up til now, that's for sure."

"Then we will need to make sure we don't fail our friend again." Teyla said it as a solemn statement.

The doors to the operating theater opens, expelling two tired but smiling doctors.

"Well, the laddie is a tough one and still keeping us on our toes. He had a stage 3 stomach ulcer that decided to hemorrhage into his small bowel. . We cauterized the ulcer and he'll be on meds to reduce the inflammation and a restricted diet that minimizes the production of stomach acids. We expect a full recovery...but there is the problem of how and why this stomach ulcer formed and became so problematic. There may be a physiological disorder, and we will be testing for that, but my bet it's more due to psychological cause. We all know about that so it's no surprise. Our dear Colonel hides his feelings well and with no outlet, things brew within and eventually cause physical symptoms. He's lost over ten pounds and I had Marie go back to his office where she found an empty bottle of antacids. I suspect if we checked his room we'd find a few more.

Sam was astounded. " I had no idea. I didn't realize he had lost so much weight and I've been with him for several meals and he's always eaten a decent meal."

Jennifer explained. "The military uniforms are not form fitting, so any weight loss might be easily missed, as for the meals...I suspect he's been having a nervous stomach to the point he hasn't been able to keep much down. I'll be recommending he spend some sessions talking with Dr Heitmeyer.

'When can we see him?"

"He is in recovery now and will be for several hours then we will transfer him to the infirmary. He'll be out of it til morning. All of you get some rest, you included Carson. I'll be on duty til the morning so I'll keep a close eye on him. We only have four other patients right now anyway and all of them are quite stable so Marie or I will have plenty of time to keep watch. So go...see you in the morning." Jennifer shooed them out with both arms flapping at the reluctant group.

—-

The night progressed uneventfully and by 0700 hours, Carson was examining the Colonel's chart while Jennifer checked vitals. John roused as the blood pressure cuff squeezed his arm uncomfortably. Jennifer grabbed his arm as he reached in response to the pressure.

"It's okay Colonel. You're in the infirmary and that's just the blood pressure monitor. Good to see you awake...I'll be handing you off to Carson now as I have a staff meeting to address. See you later. She winked, squeezed his arm, smiled at Carson and left for her meeting.

John grimaced and then looked confused as he whispered. "What happened?"

Carson held an ice chip to John's mouth. "Here ya go Laddie, this will sooth your throat." John savored the coolness as the ice chip melted and slid down his sore throat.

"Your throat will be a wee bit sore for a day or two due to the intubation tube. And before ya ask, ya had a bleeder in ya belly that needed fixing, so,we took you in theater yesterday. We'll talk about that later—when you're more awake. For now, just know you're doing fine, the operation was a success. You have some visitors who want to check up on you if you're up to it?"

"Sure, I guess..."

He was pleasantly surprised to find his old team along with Colonel Carter make their way to his bed. It had seemed like ages since he had seen his friends all in one place for a very long time. When his team essentially disbanded, their focuses shifted and they had spent less and less time together. John knew he was to blame too. As his anxiety grew, it was just easier to make himself scarce on the pretext that he was extremely busy with the day to day operations of the city.

'John! It is good to see you.' Teyla smiled as she lowered her forehead to his.

'Good to see you too...all of you.'

—-

John spent the next four days, concentrating on healing and sessions with Dr Heitmeyer keeping him busy. In between, meals were spent with his friends and talking about what had been going on the last few months. By the time he was released, he felt like he was in a better place.

Now, sitting at his desk, alone in his room, it was time to decide where he wanted his life to go. He knew he couldn't go back to how it had been the last few months, which certainly had proven that he was no good sitting on the side lines. He also knew he didn't want to leave Atlantis and the fact that he had the strongest ATA gene to date, well..damn it—he'd use that as a bargaining post or an ultimatum, if they pushed him too far. The IOA and the military were done pulling his strings.

This decision was really no decision at all...it was a life choice he'd be making, free of any obligations to anyone but himself. There had been only two other pivotal points in his life that he'd made decisions that were for him alone. Those decision were to follow his dreams and not his father's plans at eighteen, and making the decision to join this expedition...and he never regretted either of those decisions.

John admitted to himself that his sessions with Dr Heitmeyer were enlightening and he felt more himself everyday, and they made he realize he had choices.

So...it was time to put things in motion and because he respected and valued his team and Sam, he keyed his ear com, asking them all to meet him in his room.

Once settled, all eyes were on him and he wasn't comfortable looking at their concerned looks but they needed to know what he was going to do and he needed their input.

John took a deep breath. "Okay, so I asked you all here because I may need to make changes...it's not going to be an immediate thing but I wanted this to move forward and I want your support or at least I need you to understand."

He cleared his throat and if not for the cast, he 'd be pacing right about now.

"I cant go back to the way things have been for the last few months...waiting and wondering what's happening out there with my men while I command from behind a desk. Obviously that didn't work out too well. He looked at Sam and winced. So...I figure I have a few options..."

"Wait a minute, John...you don't need to do this now...focus on healing for now."

John frowned. "you need to understand, this Is part of my healing. I need to know what direction my life is going..and that that direction is MY choice...not the military's and certainly not the IOA's."

"That said, first and foremost, I'd like to stay in the military, as commander in charge of the military with off-world status as it was before my last mandated order...if that is NOT an option, I will retire and opt out. At that point , I would offer my services as an independent civilian contractor offering my services as the resident "light switch" at my discretion and with duties that would include going off-world with my original team if you guys choose to continue...If that is deemed unacceptable, I would retire from service and leave Atlantis but remain in the Pegasus Galaxy. He looked over at Ronon, an understanding passing between them without words. And finally, if none of those are options that are acceptable, I will retire, return to Earth and all contact and association with the Stargate program will cease."

They all objected to that last option rather loudly and he was humbled. "Okay...that's the last option and I hope it doesn't come to that..but I have to be prepared for that eventuality should the IOA not feel any of those other options work for them."

"Sam, I'd appreciate any help you can give me to put this in writing. I'm don't want to offend the IOA or put off the military but I want them to know these are my options, not theirs. In fact, I was hoping you could run this by General O'Neill before I do anything.

'Well, John...you certainly have thought about this and for what it's worth...I hope the IOA and General Landry consider option number one their only option. And, of course I'll help you in any way I can. There's a dial-in to Earth tomorrow and as luck has it General O'Neill will be head of operations at Cheyenne for the next week, so I'll speak to him privately after the official stuff is done."

John smiled warmly. "Thanks...thanks to you all." Sam excused herself to attend to business.

Teyla looked at her friends, stood and walked over to John, placing her hands on his shoulders and her forehead to his.

"I speak for us all...we will support you in whatever you decide, except perhaps that last one. We need and want you in our lives. if it came to it, my people would be honored to have you live amongst us."

John smiled and then looked at Rodney, who was being way too quiet.

'What gives, Rodney."

"Oh...uh...nothing...I mean...what are you really crazy! What if they don't like your "options"? huh?! You really would go back to Earth and leave all of what you know behind?!"

John sighed "Look Rodney..it's not an option I want, believe me, but the IOA need to know that I'd consider it...but it won't come to that because if it does, I'm prepared to head out with Ronon and wreak some havoc on the Wraith on our own." He winked at Ronon, who grinned madly.

"You're both crazy, you know it!

—-

The next day, John was enjoying his medical leave at his favorite spot on the east pier. The rhythm of the waves splashing up against the bulkhead and the cooling afternoon breeze lolling him into a light sleep.

" Colonel Sheppard! I see you're enjoying a lovely afternoon!"

John's eyes sprung open and he brought a crutch around to lean on so he could stand.

"Relax John". General O'Neill umphfed as he sat next to him. "Don't let anyone tell you, the "Golden Years " are...golden." He sighed as he finally settled. "Nice view...come here often?"

"As much as I can sir."

"Drop the 'sir' and call me Jack...so, how are you doing?

"I'm good...I guess you had that talk with Colonel Carter?"

"Yeah...about that...your serious about this? Are you really prepared to walk away from all this should you force their hand?"

"I was hoping you'd offer some advice so they don't see it as 'forcing their hand'..."

Jack looked over at John. "This a soldier to soldier or friend to friend thing...?"

"A little of both I guess, sir...I mean, Jack."

"Oookaay...so I've given this some thought and my advice is to do nothing...yet...and definitely nothing in writing."

John went to protest, but Jack held his hands up in defense.

"Hear me out...I know where you're coming from...been there, done that kind of thing...so...I'm going to talk to General Landry off the cuff, plead your case, so to speak. Quitting the program will scare 'em enough to cut that option right off the top." Jack shifted to get more comfortable. "You're important to this expedition John and not just for your gene. No one can argue with your record out here...the Pegasus Galaxy fits you and you fit this Galaxy perfectly...despite it trying to kill you every chance there is...you need to knock that off, by the way."

It wasn't appropriate, but John couldn't help but chuckle. "I'll try sir...if, it works out."

"I'll work on Landry until he thinks it was all his idea first. That man will be unstoppable once he's onboard. The IOA won't know up from down. Don't worry, son...it'll work out."

"Thankyou for going to bat for me sir...Jack...even if it doesn't work out."

"None of that, soldier. Think positive."

Jack stood up with ease and extended his hand out to help John up.

'Thanks Jack...I think I'll sit out here awhile longer. Thanks again."

Jack nodded and hurried away. If he hurried, he'd have about two hours with his favorite Colonel before he had to go back.

—

It was several weeks later and John was getting antsy. The cast was now off his leg and he was feeling pretty good...he figured his next check-up, the Doc would give him the all-clear and he'd be ready for active duty and that meant he would have to deliver his resignation since he hadn't received any confirmation that anything had changed since his last order and that didn't bode well for O'Neill swaying the General who was suppose to sway the IOA.

"Colonel Carter to Colonel Sheppard, please respond."

"Colonel Sheppard , here. What can I do for you Colonel?"

"Please come to my office."

"On my way." Maybe this was it...please let it be...he needed to know where he stood...good or bad.

Sam was watching as John made his way across the walkway. She was delighted to see there was not even a hint of a limp.

"Colonel."

"Colonel...please come in and shut the door."

Oh no, a bad feeling started crawling up his spine. He knew there was a dial-in from Cheyenne that morning.

"Colonel, when is your next physical?"

"I go see Dr Keller day after tomorrow."

"Pending on her evaluation, do you feel ready to return to active duty, physically and mentally."

"Yes ma'am, I do...but I'm not sure I am willing to return on the restrictions placed upon my command.

"Those restrictions you speak of...have been terminated."

John frowned, not sure he had heard her right.

Sam smiled at his confusion. "Congratulations John, the order prohibiting you from going off-world has been recinded. But there are conditions."

The smile he wore faded. "Command has agreed to reinstate your status on the condition that those missions deemed "high risk" will now require one off-world team and one full team of security...and you limit yourself to four missions a month...at my discretion and approval."

"Only four?! " John was edging towards anger." "okay...so I think adding a security team is a sound idea, but...

Sam held up her hands. "John, these are the best terms they would agree with...General Landry and O'Neill have both been working hard for you...unless you want to consider resigning...this is the best deal they could forge."

John sighed. He really didn't want to resign and at least going on four missions enough might work, even if Carter picked which ones.

"Okay...I guess those terms are better than nothing."

Sam smiled. "Good! Good! Enjoy your last days of freedom, soldier!"

John smiled back. "Thanks, Sam"

—

Five days later, Lt Colonel John Sheppard and his team stood before the dormant Stargate. John felt like a horse being set free to run the rolling hills of pasture. The adrenalin raced through his body while his mind reminded him to be cautious. He knew he was ready.

He turned around and saw Sam standing on the balcony and winked at her.

"Dial up the gate!"

FIN

Hope you enjoyed my story. I apologize for any mistakes or inconsistencies... )


End file.
